Sunday, August 5, 2012

My sunshine


Listening to it today, it just dawned on me how breathtakingly heartbreaking You Are My Sunshine is. My goodness. I mean you go through despair, anger, desperation, and ultimately, resignation, all in 4 verses. As tragic of a song as will ever be written. It's something we were all taught as children, that sort of happy, upbeat song - of course, we were only taught to sing the chorus. How many of you knew that there was a whole song after Please don't take my sunshine away? I've been in a foul mood recently. Fuck me. Because I'm never in a mood. Maybe that's why the song speaks to me so much. So many versions of it out there, but this here is Norman Blake, and is the one that agrees the most with me.

Rage makes all the difference when you're working out - that searing, consuming, I want to rip someone's head off kind of internal fire. I'll take on anyone in a footrace/hill climb, but when I set out today, I was struggling and fighting with myself about some things. There was anger. Fear. Definitely some uncertainty. And frustration. Maybe separately, maybe all at once. So I turned to the one thing in my life that is unshakeable, the one motivating factor that will never change. I'm going to make my grand old man proud. I'm going to get into a good school and make something of myself, in honour my grandfather. It's terrifying, the whole business school application process. Absolutely terrifying, something I readily admit, because while you're never an accurate judge of yourself, you at least have to be honest about your accomplishments. And as I'm sitting here trying to self-reflect, I can't think of a single goddamn noteworthy thing I've done.

2012 was supposed to be my year, and it started out promising. But it's now August, and the warm glow from my GMAT performance has dimmed, considerably. What do I do now? Someone tell me, because I have no idea, for my professional, and personal life. Ok, enough self-loathing and pity. I'm stubborn and sometimes completely irrational, but hopefully, I'll never be boring. Application essay drafts ready by tomorrow night!

The other night dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

I'll always love you and make you happy,
If you will only say the same.
But if you leave me and love another,
You'll regret it all some day:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

You told me once, dear, you really loved me
And no one else could come between.
But not you've left me and love another;
You have shattered all of my dreams:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

In all my dreams, dear, you seem to leave me
When I awake my poor heart pains.
So when you come back and make me happy
I'll forgive you dear, I'll take all the blame.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

DF

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