Tuesday, September 11, 2012

we anger, we rage



I'm by no means an angry individual, but I do have my moments. Anger is irrational, destructive, unproductive . . . it clouds your judgement, and generally makes a fuck up of things. But it can also be incredibly useful if it can be harnessed to refocus your energy, to find that push of motivation. I'm angry because at this moment in my life, getting into a good business school is the most important thing I need to be worried about. And yet, as usual, it's been anything but a smooth process. I knew it was going to be so challenging going in, but not like this; no, the past 3 months have just been this constant back and forth of indecision and insecurity about my qualifications and distilling me as a person. Really, who am I? And stop with this, oh DF's a good guy, a nice guy - fuck that. I'm not. Because the first rule of real life is, being a nice guy gets you fucking nowhere. Maybe I need to stop thinking in terms of is this the polite thing to do and more of will this get me to where I want to be? The nice guy can go to hell.

You know what . . . it's not even about acting like an alpha d-bag asshole. Because I couldn't even if I tried. It's about defining my attributes as a person, both good and bad. I'm on my rise, man, and at this point (more than ever) I need to surround myself with people that are going to support that. Because I'm fucking determined to make it, whatever it may be. And if you want to be a part of it, well, it's a simple question: are you fucking in or out?

Man, this year's been something else. Busy and tough and all that. I think of it as character building. And big picture, the application process is just part of what I'm worrying about. I'm shit poor, and scrambling to save up. If this all becomes reality and I end up going to America for 2 years, where's the money going to come from? My mountain of debt is going to be so high I'll need to take altitude sickness pills to get to the top. And that's not including the travel, the unpaid internships, the miscellaneous portion no school ever tells you about. Living expenses? The plan is to save enough to at least cover that, but at this point, who knows. I'm a bit aggravated about money because, well, I don't have any, and while I don't consider myself a stingy person, I HATE wasting it, or at least feeling like I'm wasting it.

I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. And my (true) friends have been very indulgent with me and have been patiently hearing me complain, moan, rant, and otherwise bitch out for the past few months. When it rains, it fucking pours . . . a few more months left to go. So we come back to the question of who am I, really? Wish I could say, with some degree of certainty - I can't. I say I'm a confident individual, a good person, sure of what I want . . . but I'm not sure I even believe that. I want people in my life who have my back, who I can rely on for unconditional support. Many thanks to my buddies who take time to talk me down from the ledge, calm me, and sometimes just listen. I'm tired, man, and this whole process has just begun.

Berkeley Haas held an admissions session downtown last evening, at RBC Centre. Attendees were the usual go-getter crowd, the ones in the standard issue suits every North American finance worker seems to own. And I show up in an untucked shirt and cardigan, green shoes and maroon socks. Since when did prospective business school students have to suddenly be boring? Right . . . it isn't about what's on the surface, it's all about what you've ACCOMPLISHED!!


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