We give up what we want when we want power; believe me. Now, you want to show me you have the heart to be king, show me you can control it. Wrestle it to the ground, numb it with ice.
- Silas Benjamin, Kings
Heart and sacrifice for what we want. Easier said than done. I have all the desire to be successful, to create a good future for myself and my family - but that's the easy part. Do I have the determination, the willpower to do what it takes to make it happen? Am I made of the right stuff, that stuff of warriors and heroes? Insecurity can be as constant of a companion as death. All questions in my head, so to answer the question 'Are you excited for Spain?', I'd answer leave me the fuck alone, I'm in way over my head.
My last day of work was this Friday. Finished up a final report, and left the office, alone. Quiet, with dignity. I can't believe it's been nearly 5 years - like it was all a blur.
Six months ago, it was just the new year, I had just submitted my applications to U.S. business schools, and I thought all I had to do was wait. What a fucking doorknob I was. Of course, my plan for New York crashed and burned, spectacularly, and well, you get real with yourself. And amidst all the agonizing about my plans professionally, my personal life was neglected. Am I regretful? Yes, I do feel apologetic about how things went down. It's never fun when your relationship ends, no matter the situation. I'm not good with these things - I don't know how to act. So with all the stumbling and bumbling, you try to follow your moral compass and do your best.
I've been drinking heavily. Heavier than usual, if only because for the past few months, cocktails have been an obsession. Gin, rum, and bourbon cocktails. Having lots of fun learning the classics, buying Japanese barware from Cocktail Kingdom, experimenting with all kinds of ice. Is it troubling that I can shake off a morning hangover with nothing more than a glass of water and a good piss?
By the time we get to twenty-nine hundred, I will be in Barcelona. I'm still in the process of sorting out my student visa, but I'm hopeful the process will be smooth. Then, nothing more than settling affairs here, and spending the remaining weeks I have with friends. I'm not particularly a reflective person, but I am excited for the simple fact that I feel in control of my life. I'm alone - utterly and completely alone - but I feel in control. We give up what we want when we want power ... it's just sometimes so damn hard.